Friday, November 6, 2015

Triple Crown

Enough about horseshit.

We came to Kentucky, learned of horses, walked barefoot in the bluegrass, won a coffeemaker, but best of all, we had a great time with our Sisters. Next trip we would head south to Dixieland. We had several months to prepare for an October trip to Atlanta, Georgia. But, first, we had to get the hell out of the hollers of Kentucky, across the Smokies, and back to our homes in King and Charlotte, North Carolina...without incident.

And we were prepared, by golly. Always the last to leave the trailer RV park on the Sunday of each event and usually with the longest distance to drive, Cindy Einstein and I tore down camp directly after our evening meal and festivities with our Sisters late Saturday night. We packed pink flamingos, recycled PBR cans, and loaded up and hitched Bella to the Suburban. We were on a roll. Hell, we even removed the stabilizers from underneath Bella and had them packed. All there was left to do next morning would be throw on some duds, remove the chocks from the wheels, and hit the road jack. Off to sleep in our sweet, shabby chic cotton sheets.

"Goodnight, Thelma."
"Goodnight, Louise."
"I love you, Thelma."
"I love you, Louise."

Next morning...

"Louise! Omigod the trailer is spinning!" screamed Cindy.

"The hell?!!!" Thelma damn near scared the shit outta me again. She's gonna give me the big one before it's over...

"I'm dizzy! I'm drunk!"

As I was startled into awake-ed-ness, I felt heat rise from my face. "Holy crap, Thelma, I think I'm sunburned!"

To quote my double mother-in-law, ha,  I blurted out, "Now, ain't we something. Together we ain't worth two red cents."

Being pretty accustomed to dizziness since my sudden onset deafness a few years earlier, I thought to myself...welcome to my world, Sister. I looked in my travel mirror and thought, face and shoulders are sun- and wind burned. Cindy stumbled around and made her morning coffee. Dizzy or dead, that woman's gonna have her Arbuckle's McCoffee first thing. 

"Maybe you got that vertigo your mama gits," I said. She laid back down to rest while waiting for her coffee to brew.

Meanwhile, I stepped outside the camper to make a beeline to the bathhouse, because, we were after all, on a roll to leave Kentucky at a decent time. You know, at the same time all the other campers normally pull out. Well, my beeline looked more like a drunken sailor pulled over on the side of the interstate walking the white line for the po-po. Ohmyshit, I thought as I steadied myself, I'm drunk, too?

Now, how was I gone 'splain this sunburn and seasickness to my Mister? We were in the mountains, for goodness sake, not at the ocean, ha.

See what had happened wuz...

In an attempt to, FOR  ONCE, appear (at least) to have our ponies ducks in a row, we had removed the four stabilizers from beneath the trailer as one less thing to do the following morning. Well, live and learn, my ol' pappy used to always say.  There's a reason they are called STABLE-izers. While we could not really feel it while comfy 'neath our cozy covers, that bitch the trailer apparently rocked and rolled all night long. We were drunker 'n two 'ol coots gittin' roostered at Miss Kitty's Saloon.

I don't know how Towanda pulled it off, but we left that campground on time, just as she had planned, drunk or otherwise. As we were leaving, we heard voices cautioning us to whoa up. The shit. What now?

"Y'all got a taillight out on the trailer!!! Ya need to git that fixed at the first parts store ya git to! Bye! Happy Trails! See you next time!" some of our Sisters yelled.

Cindy just laughed out loud and said, "thanks for the heads up! We're on it! Bye!"

Y'all. That damn taillight's been out since our very first trip with Sisters on the Fly two Februarys ago.

So, with a full tank of gas, Towanda drove us to the first parts store Cracker Barrel we could git to, ha.  Then it was eastbound hammer down from there.


"Louise! We gotta pull over! Hold on!!!"

Lord Jesus Christ, I said. No, really, I said Lord Jesus Christ. I was praying.

We both hopped out of the Suburban to inspect the side of the trailer facing the highway. At this point, the vertigo was on like donkey kong, y'all. We stood swayed next to moving traffic in an effort to assess apparent damage Bella had sustained during the high winds we experienced at the campground. The picture below was taken after we made it back (thankyousweetjesus) to Cindy's house. It was difficult enough standing steady with 18-wheelers blowing past us. Twon't no way I could snap a picture as this was happening. Talk about road kill, geez.

The whole dadgum lower side of the trailer had buckled and was practically flapping in the wind by the time we finally parked Bella.  Our good and observant Sisters had warned us of a taillight issue that we've known about since the beginning of time, but they failed to notice the wind damage to Bella as we left the campground.  On a wing and a prayer, my 'ol pappy used to always say.

Now, with that same wing and prayer, I jumped into my Ford and skeedaddle'd back to Charlotte. I can't speak for Thelma (actually I can, ha), but I felt as if  we had won the Triple Crown with all the mishaps we conquered this trip. And the coffeemaker is our trophy. I'm going to say we did anyway. Cause I'm the writer. And I can.