Sunday, November 1, 2015

Talk Derby to Me**

The real Sister Louise
Our hostesses for Horsin' Round the Bluegrass, Sisters Koren & Louise

"Thelma, wake up! We gotta wrangle up our thoroughbreds ponies and corral 'em on up to the big event."

We shoulda seen it coming. "Eleventh Hour Louise" and "Nick of Time Thelma" up to all hours of the night preparing for the Kentucky Derby stick horse show. In fact, I think we finally gave up around five in the morning.

But, dem ponies shore were purdy most.

Don't let these jockeys fool you. Just cause they dressed the part don't mean their horses were all that. I'll give 'em an A for effort and for having to pack all that shit to haul to this event, ha.

That's a whole mess of burgoo!
There aren't many Sister events that don't include a dutch oven cookoff. The Sisters really outdid themselves this time round. One day, me and Thelma might just try our hand at it. Might, ha.

That's some fancy shit cookware right there.
Horse shit everywhere!

Me and Thelma dined with royalty.  And a jolly good time we had! Just look at Thelma's face.
"We went skinny dippin' and we did things that frightened the fish." (Shelby, Steel Magnolias)
Lord Jesus I ain't never seen so much bumping and grinding since I first watched "Dirty Dancing" on VHS cassette. The eldest Sister of our group pranced on stage with her pony made from her geriatric walker. The moves she made with that Tennessee walker would frighten rattlers, grizzlies, and fish. The pavilion erupted in laughter. We didn't see that coming, ha.

A collective, "ohshet!" rang out when my fellow contestants witnessed my wardrobe malfunction on live television. That's me, the fake Louise, grabbing my balls pearls as they scattered across the stage.
Yep, it was a real Janet Jackson moment. This shit happens to me everywhere I go. Just ask Thelma. 
Critics still argue today that I staged the whole thing thereby receiving the judges' sympathy votes resulting in a top three finish...
“(She’s) a really good horse, and she ran like it today. She always comes to run; that’s the kind of horse she is. She got beat today by really good horses. That can happen.”
 -M. Garcia, D. Smith, jockey, with her horse shit-eating grin, on her third place finish.

That's right, betches, THIRD place. I won a coffeemaker. Which was really cool, except I don't drink coffee, ha.

**Alternate title of this story could/should be, Talk Shit to Me. I know. A real potty mouth. So I cuss a little, but I still love Jesus.